if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
