why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
