I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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