I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
