so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
