I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
