I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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