she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
