Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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