Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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