she is the kim kardashian of front butts
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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