When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
The Olympian is in my bed
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Randomize
