Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize