my vag is so smooth its legendary
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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