Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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