Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
