I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize