you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Randomize
