It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Randomize
