The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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