I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
