just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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