Don't make out with my wife yet
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
