i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
