hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
