Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
