The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
