remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
