the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
