It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
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