Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
