How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
zippers are such a cool invention
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
