How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Randomize
