I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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