Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
