Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
