Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Randomize
