I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
