so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
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