I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
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