i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Randomize
