I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
