I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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