I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
