Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
