god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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