I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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