Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Randomize
