at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
