I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
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