Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
