Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
