every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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