just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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