Nicole vs. Life
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
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