We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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