My Higher Power is John Stamos
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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