He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
