My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
you traded sex for a burrito?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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