I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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