I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Randomize
